The Devil's Pen Pal

When someone refers to America losing its “innocence” and they’re talking about something that happened after the Civil War, it’s like saying, “But it was during 'Ass-to-Mouth Gangbang 4' when we realized she wasn’t our little girl any more.”

When someone says they work hard and play hard, what they really mean is that they have terrible time-management skills. And, if you work at a web company, that means they’ll be a bottleneck to your project while they’re playing for the ping-pong championship of the world, best two out of three, four out of five, and so on and so on till close of business.

Here’s a sign you’re being lied to:

A man says, “It doesn’t get any better than this,” and he’s not referring to triplets going down on you.

I have mixed feeling about seeing a used rubber on the ground. It’s a sign that someone’s conscientiousness goes only so far.

Is it just me, or is it kind of unfortunate that the a group against sexual violence within the military has the acronym SWAN (Service Women’s Action Network)? Because this comes to mind:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leda_and_the_Swan

I don’t recall much about the Green Lantern from the couple of comics I read as a kid, but I vaguely remember that the ring couldn’t affect anything yellow, which means he was helpless before the might of the golden shower.

If there had been a Garden of Eden, the tree wouldn’t have born the forbidden fruit of knowledge; it would have yielded the apple of ambition. I don’t think knowledge gets you kicked out of paradise, but the ambitious have a way of ruining it. A lot of people like to complain about the lazy, but you can work around them mostly. But well-connected people who are ambitious in their aims and lazy in their execution have a way of messing up everything for everybody else. And the worst part is, we wind up doing most of the work.

For the love of God, please stop giving your daughters names that sound like diseases, luxury items, or strippers. Just in case your daughter doesn’t end up on the pole, you might want to give her a name that could work for a doctor, or a lawyer. Before you saddle your kid with that horrible name you have in mind, repeat after me, “Your court-appointed attorney is . . . ” and then say that name. If you feel like you just might shit your pants a little, don’t give your kid that name.

I was going to go see “Atlas Shrugged,” but then I realized that it wasn’t about Charles Atlas, and the shrugging wouldn’t be in 3-D.

God must have felt really insecure before Facebook was invented so that people could post about how “awesome” He is. I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt “Like” no other gods before me.