The Devil's Pen Pal

April 3, 2011

Serenity aplenty

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 8:24 am

Lord, grant me the ability to change those I cannot accept, to accept those who can’t make change, and to fool all of the people all of the time.

March 30, 2011

Theology

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 10:33 pm

Theology seems to be mostly about how “omnipotent” and “all-loving” don’t really mean “omnipotent” and “all-loving.”

March 20, 2011

Gimme that old-fashioned caffeine . . .

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 7:09 pm

Lady at work: “Ohmygod, I just drank an entire Starbucks megagrandemochaspresso and I can’t stop shaking. It’s got SO much more caffeine than a Diet Coke. It must have as much caffeine as two or three Red Bulls. They should have some kind of warning label.”

Me: “Yeah. ‘WARNING: COFFEE.’ “

February 19, 2011

“Sandman” Implies Putting You to Sleep

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 9:14 pm

As far as I can tell, every Adam Sandler film might as well be called “Beer Commercial: The Movie,” because the plot is pretty much a concept that only guys who spent the afternoon drinking could tolerate for 30 seconds, stretched out for 90 minutes. What if a TV remote worked on people? What if two guys had to pretend they were gay? What if a guy talked in an annoying voice and pretended it was a separate character from his other annoying voices?

February 12, 2011

You Go Down There, General . . .

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 9:38 pm

I’m all for gay marriage, because why should “gay” mean “happy” any more?

December 18, 2010

Let Us Not Forget

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 12:16 am

Christmas is the perfect time of year to remember that God is an asshole. He knocked up another guy’s fiance. And even though He can be at all places at all times, He didn’t bother to tell Joseph to his face. Instead, He sent one of his lackeys. He was probably also the jerk who put myrrh on the baby shower registry. Myrrh. What a morbid gift. Oh, it’s symbolic. Because Jesus was mortal. All babies are mortal. Nobody else gives them funeral supplies, no matter how high the infant mortality rate. The baby was born in a stable. Pretty much any other gift would have been more practical. How about a blanket?

December 17, 2010

The Third Man

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 8:47 am

Sometimes I think the third wise man just knew where to get myrrh cheap. He must have been a joy at any baby shower. Everybody brings bibs, little booties, and tiny spoons. He brings embalming fluid.

December 8, 2010

Nog-a-hide

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 10:55 am

As much as I like egg nog, sometimes I wonder if somebody just ran out of things to mix booze with, then spotted a bowl of leftover french toast batter.

December 6, 2010

A Fair Shake

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 11:37 pm

If there’s anything the popularity of sports shakes, smoothies, and frappucinos has taught me, it’s that people are eager to believe that shakes can be low-cal and somehow even good for them.

November 29, 2010

Advice for the Scorned and Lovelorn

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 1:50 pm

Dear wives of politicians,

If you don’t want to be publicly humiliated by your husband’s infidelity, here’s a little tip: Try not to marry someone who lies for a living. That includes lawyers, actors, and salesmen. Try to find someone who’s not good at keeping his stories straight. Look for a guy who’s no good at pennty-ante poker.

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